BLOG
Written by Nicole Renggli, Owner of younique hr consulting | Nicole Renggli | LinkedIn
You understand both sides. And that is exactly the problem.
Two people, two perspectives, two truths and you can relate to both. It looks composed, reflective, professional. And it is. But it does not make things easier. At the beginning, you remain calm. You listen. You structure what you hear. You resist judging too quickly. You think that will be enough. Until it isn’t. At some point, the question comes: How do you see it? Where do you stand?
And suddenly, it is no longer about understanding but about positioning yourself. This is where the loyalty conflict begins. Not because you want to choose, but because you are expected to. You quickly realize that whatever you say has consequences. If you clearly express your view, you disappoint one side. If you don’t, you lose clarity. If you stay gentle, you appear vague. If you speak firmly, you appear biased.
So you begin to adapt. You formulate more carefully, leave things unsaid, weigh your words depending on whom you are speaking to. Not consciously but noticeably. And slowly, something shifts. You are no longer just an observer. You become part of the system. Not because you intend to, but because it happens. You try to hold both sides: understanding here, agreement there, interpretation in between. And eventually you notice the cost. Not loudly, not dramatically but constantly. Because loyalty is never neutral. It reveals itself in what you say. And in what you choose not to say.
That is where discomfort begins. You start asking yourself questions you never had before: How clear do I want to be? What am I willing to stand for? And what am I no longer willing to carry? A loyalty conflict cannot be cleanly resolved. Not for everyone. You can only decide how you deal with it. And this is where the real work begins. Not between the parties, but within yourself.
The first impulse is often to mediate even more. To listen more carefully. To become even more neutral. As if perfect balance could dissolve the tension. It doesn’t. Because loyalty conflicts do not arise from a lack of understanding but from expectations. Both sides are looking for certainty. And certainty, for them, means: you are on my side.
But your task is not loyalty to individuals. Your loyalty belongs to the process. That is the decisive shift in perspective. You do not have to choose between people. You choose a role. And roles require clarity. Dealing with loyalty conflicts therefore begins with an internal positioning: What do I actually stand for here? Harmony? Fairness? Truth? Resolution? As long as this remains unclear to you, every request for your opinion becomes a burden. Many try to avoid the conflict. They remain vague, diplomatic, softly worded. In the short term, this protects relationships. In the long term, it damages trust. Because people sense uncertainty faster than bias.
Clarity is not betrayal. Professionalism does not mean having no position. It means having a position that is transparent. You may say: I understand both perspectives. And at the same time, I see an issue here that we need to address. You may name what is difficult without devaluing anyone. You may take a stance without taking sides.
The difference lies not in what you say, but in the reference point: Are you speaking for someone or for the process? Loyalty conflicts escalate where people believe you must emotionally belong to one side. They ease where it becomes clear that you belong to the task. This also means setting boundaries. Not every expectation must be fulfilled. Not every request for your opinion requires a personal answer. Sometimes professionalism means returning the question:
What would change if you expressed this perspective yourself? In doing so, you step out of the role of judge and remain a facilitator. Another step is self-transparency. Loyalty conflicts become dangerous when they remain invisible. If you notice that one side affects you more strongly, that is not a failure. It is information. The question is whether you reflect on it or whether it silently begins to guide you.
Neutrality is not a state. It is a conscious practice. And it requires energy. That is why dealing with loyalty conflicts also includes self-care: exchange with peers, reflection, supervision. Not because you are insecure, but because you want to remain professional. In the end, the loyalty conflict does not disappear. Its meaning changes. It shifts from being a problem to becoming a compass.
Because wherever you feel tension, you often find the exact point where development becomes possible for the parties involved and for yourself. You do not have to satisfy everyone. But you must remain clear with yourself.
It is not an easy position. But it is an honest one.